Trying to Be A Stoic Father

Imagine this: A famous Stoic Father’s daily routine, living the Good Life

Imagine this: A famous Stoic Father’s daily routine, living the Good Life. He takes sacred morning walks with his kids, journals in silence, and jots down thoughts in his book-filled cave on a massive ranch in Texas. The Stoic Father is the author Ryan Holiday. And I want to talk to you about his new book, the Daily Dad.

Ryan Holiday

When I feel lost in a sea of disconnected tasks, I think about Ryan and his Stoic routines; his new book lays them out so well it helps me remember what truly matters to me: my core values of freedom, being present, and family. The book is so impactful that I've made Daily Dad my go-to morning read, replacing even the insightful Daily Stoic. I was hooked, bought both the Kindle and hardcopy versions, and now I'm even getting ten more hardcopies to share with friends (let me know if you want one!).

You're here to serve

As a parent, the simple truth is that we're here to serve. No ifs, ands, or buts. As Ryan says,

"Our kids don't owe us anything. They didn't ask to be here. We're the ones who chose to bring them into this world, so we're obligated to them." 

This resonates a lot. I want to embody this mindset of serving my children 100% of the time. Sure, I'll stumble and fail, but the key is to dust off, recommit, and do better. I need to keep my north star firm. As Ryan says

“How we approach anything in life reflects how we approach everything.”

There’s no half-assing this. The guiding principle remains the same: parenting means being there, literally. It means serving them, literally. It's driving them around, tying their shoes, doing their dishes and laundry when they have a newborn. Age doesn't matter; what matters is showing up and supporting them. That's our purpose. That's what we do.

I squirm when I see the opposite mindset in a number of parents who shall not be named. Their approach is that of the SNL skit "Boomers Got The Vax," where certain parents flaunt their possessions and status, looking down on their kids. It's disheartening and tragic.

You locked inside, homeschooling my grandkids

I know you wanna live large like me

I got the big ass house and the SUV

I got the second house too, and the third house, three

And the place in Vermont, and one in Miami

Damn, I got five houses?

That’s a lot. Hm, good for me.

SNL skit "Boomers Got The Vax”

Instill the cardinal virtues

As I strive to serve my children, I stumble upon different parenting tracks. Should I splurge on a new Xbox to enjoy laughter with my sons (their cousins love NBA 2K22), or should I limit screen time and go for nature walks? Ryan's advice is clear:

"As a parent, your job is to value character. Teach it, model it, and reward it. Sure, you want your kids to be smart, ambitious, creative, and hardworking, but those traits mean nothing without good character."

So, I can totally play some Xbox NBA, discussing players, their characters, and their struggles.

Courage, moderation, justice, and wisdom—these are the cardinal virtues, the foundation of the good life. An Xbox or a walk are just a means to an end. I now do both!

Kids hear us when we lie, and they sense when our actions don't match our words. We shape family values by setting an example. Ryan references the story of a family in Germany, the Bonhoeffer family, and how their values were forged: their grandmother defied Nazi troops to shop wherever she pleased. Her simple act of defiance embodied the values they lived by. It had a lasting impact.

We need to give our kids hope, especially in dark times. We must stand firm for our beliefs, show them what's possible, and teach them how progress is achieved. Ryan quotes Maggie Smith:

"Convince your kids they can turn anything into something beautiful. Show them they can make a difference, and equip them with the skills, resources, and responsibility to do so."

Be their fan

As parents, our primary role is to be fans of our children. It's simple because it is. They'll make choices we disagree with, but we must support them and be there when they stumble. We're not here to mold them into replicas of ourselves; we're here to help them become their true selves. Our task is to expose them to new experiences, open their minds, and keep their curiosity alive, no matter how dark the world seems. Ryan talks about how Alanis Morissette sings in "Ablaze," dedicated to her kids, "My mission is to keep the light in your eyes ablaze."

Ryan also talks about Bruce Springsteen, who once said parents have a choice: “be ghosts or ancestors in their children's lives.” We can burden them with our mistakes or walk beside them, offering guidance. We mustn't cling to the past or burden our children with our unresolved issues. Moving on from our mistakes won't be easy, but it's our responsibility. We'll have to sit alone, find forgiveness, and let go of toxic relationships. Our problems may not be our fault, but they are our responsibility. Our kids need us to be present and engaged.

Parenting often feels like a never-ending cycle. Paraphrasing from the Daily Dad: You clean, then the house is dirty. You do the dishes; then the sink is full five minutes later. Literally, before you’ve even finished helping your kids put their toys away, the toys are splayed out across the floor. Those new clothes you just bought them? Now they’re filthy and frayed. This can drive you nuts if you let it. It can piss you off. Or you can learn to love it. Think of your daily chores as a mindful ritual. Finish? To be finished would mean the end of this—the end of their childhood, the end of our lives together.

The comedian Jim Gaffigan had an eye-opening moment about control when facing his wife’s life-threatening brain tumor. All her life, she had been trying to control her household. She realized she had focused on controlling her children instead of engaging with their interests. Life's too short to reject their passions because we fear the mess.

Switching tactics, instead of forbidding slime in the house, she asked: ‘Can you teach me how to make the slime?’

Random kid playing with slime in the living room.

My overall take from the Daily Dad

In the Stoic path of parenthood, remember that we're here to serve. By instilling cardinal virtues, leading by example, and unwaveringly supporting our children, we create a brighter world for them. Let's be present, free from past burdens, and embrace the beautiful messiness of raising children. They deserve our wholehearted commitment and love. So let's dive in, enjoy the chaos, and cherish the journey!